A little giggle

Every now and again something happens and it makes me giggle

Ok – that’s not true. I laugh at everything always but this week, this happened:

A few days ago I had cause to go to the supermarket at work to buy some …. err, em …. sanitary pads . Of course I didn’t bring my recycle bag because I am not yet that person, so I bought ANOTHER 15c Woolworths bag to add to the colony in my boot. The alternative was to waltz through the centre and the offices proudly owning my purchase, but again, I am not yet that person.

When I was leaving work I thankfully remembered to lift the bag and take them home. As is my way, my oversized handbag was overflowing so I chucked my water bottle and a (yawn) letter from my Superannuation company into the Woolies bag as well. I’ve been carrying this letter around for over week now and one day hope to be mature enough to read it. Maybe when I’m retired and have time.

On the way home I got a bit thirsty and reached for my water bottle only to find it almost empty. I looked in the Woolies bag and to my surprise my recent purchase and my beloved Superannuation letter were floating in a litre of water.

Did ANYONE else know that these bags are water tight? I mean conceivably I could fill one with wine if I wanted to.

I gently lifted it to a more secure position on the floor against the middle console. It wobbled a bit (I love the word “wobbled” – you just said it in your head didn’t you?!) and carefully drove home, going easy on the corners so that it didn’t tip over.

When I finally got home, i carefully lifted he bag but to my surprise, it was nearly empty!! So strange I thought, as there was no water on the floor of the car.

In other news U Ultrathins Super Pads with Wings are SUPER absorbent and just the thing to get you out of a tricky situation.

RIP Superannuation letter.

Back in my day ….

Sup?

Is it just me or is language changing at a rapid rate? I don’t think our parents struggled to understand us as much as we smile, nod and pretend to know what’s going on with our kids. Here are a few words that have changed from back in our day. Some you will know for sure but some I learnt only recently. Hope you have a Gucci time reading them.

Back in my day “lol” was “lots of love” now it’s used to indicate that something is funny – although not necessarily so funny that you actually laugh OUT LOUD

An ATM was where you withdrew money. These days atm is “at the moment” so you could conceivably be at an ATM atm.

XXX was three kisses at the end of a hand written letter. Now, it’s a particular point on a spectrum of hair removal

ROFLMAO was a bad draw in a game of scrabble. These days it’s funnier that LOL-ing

Salty was when you over did it on your chips. Apparently now it means sassy, but you probably shouldn’t ask for extra sass on your chips

DOH was only ever the Department of Housing. But apparently it’s also what you say when someone does something stupid (thanks to Homer I think)

Gucci – it’s a top brand name with awesome handbags right? Wrong – it also means good or cool or awesome (or something …) For example. When my daughter found out we were having Bbq lamb and Greek Salad for dinner. She said “Gucci”. Made no sense at the time but I googled and it’s all good now

Back in the day a Cloud was a fluffy ball of cotton wool in the sky. But at some point in recent history it also became an invisible force that stores and controls all the information in all the world and none of us understand where or how – and that’s okay.

Shade – was were pasty Irish people sat so they didn’t bbq in the hot sun. Now it means “doubt”.

E – the mostly commonly used letter in the alphabet. Now it’s a commonly used recreational drug with a long list of ingredients that nobody knows. Most of which ironically can’t be pronounced because of a lack of vowels

Ice was a handy accompaniment to a drink on a hot day. Now it also belongs to the illegal drug family but what it is, what it looks like or where you stick it, I have no idea

And lastly, Sup. Our grandparents used to sup on sandwiches and tea for their evening meal. Nowadays we walk into a room nod our heads backward (yes you read that right) and say “Sup”

Go forth and be young

Things I’d Like To Ask God

Is there a chance that you could be a woman? Makes sense that we refer to you as being male because that’s how history has been slanted but …….???

Are you frustrated at people’s literal interpretation of the bible?

Does it disappoint you that we eat meat? Or that we walk around like the animal world belongs to us?

Refute this: “Men gave themselves the illusion of power because it’s the only way they can cope with not being able to do what women can do, which is give birth”

Any chance you could bring back unicorns?

Are all religions valid?

What is the worst thing we have done – what event made you shake your head and look away

Does my cat understand what I’m saying? I feel like he does

I believe in reincarnation – I think we need a couple of goes to get close to getting this right. But – if I’m right – are those lives linked? Or am I just adding some poetic mayo to my illusion?

Any regrets?

The Serving Spoon

Often help can come from the most unlikely of places. You can’t plan for every situation but yet the universe often has a way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it – like a serving spoon.

I’d like to say last night was a night like any other. But it wasn’t.

Since our house fell apart last week, we have been living out of a suitcase in emergency accommodation – it could have broken me but I am trying to rise to the challenge and am determined not to let it get me down.

We carefully planned that my daughter would share with me and my son would take the second room with my husband. My kids do NOT share space with each other well. We are not that family! Besides, a working mothers guilt has left me feeling recently like I needed some extra time with my girl. But it wasn’t long into the night before she decided to move to the couch as it was a hot night and she wanted the air conditioning.

At 3.40am I awoke to a sound. I knew that sound. I’d heard it before. Not often and certainly not often from my daughter. I listened. She was quietly approaching the room and then she said it …….

“Mum, I vomited EVERYWHERE”

I got up and headed to the lounge room. I didn’t want to go but some strange maternal instinct propelled me forward even though my head was screaming stop. My legs weren’t listening.

And then I saw it. A steaming pile of rustic carrot soup. And she was right. It was everywhere.

I looked. I looked away. I walked to the kitchen. I walked back. I walked to the bathroom. I walked back. I went to get my husband who surely would be getting up to help after hearing all of the commotion. But no, his sleep bubble is sound proof during the small hours.

“Sweetheart” I whispered to my daughter in despair. “I can’t clean it up. I don’t have anything. No paper towels, no disinfectant, no actual towels (that don’t belong to Quest) no sponges or mops. I don’t know what to do”

We both stared. Ground zero was enormous but the splatter was ten times bigger. The fall out has hit all four corners of the room.

Then I smiled as a realised that I must be dreaming. I pinched myself. But it hurt and slowly I realised there was no escaping what had to happen.

“Mum” She said

“Shhh, I’m thinking”

“But Mum, I think there’s a way”

I looked up. My hand covering my mouth from the shock of the situation – and the smell.

“Mum, You could always use a spoon”

What a RIDICULOUS idea …. but it might just work.

So as I’m there on my hands and knees ladling spew stew into a plastic shopping bag (they are still good for something right?) I realise that at every turn in life you should be grateful.

Because when you don’t have a kitchen, you still have a home.

When no longer have a home, you still have your family.

And if a family member temporarily feels unwell and redecorates the floor in an orange hue, you can always find a spoon.

And for that, I am grateful.

Beach Etiquette

As we approach the summer I want us all to agree on something here: there needs to be rules on the beach.

Here’s how I see it:

1. All tents are to be in the back row. No exceptions.

2. Mid beach is reserved for people with umbrellas

3. Up the front – PWS. People Without Shade. They need to be close to the water anyway to cool off.

4. If you shake your towel and flick me with sand, you owe me a coffee from the kiosk. No pick ups – delivery only

5. If you must talk in a loud voice, be either funny or interesting.

6. If you have hot chips and you are sitting close enough to me that I can smell them, you must share them

7. Under no circumstances feed the seagulls

8. If you are playing music, it needs to be either current or 80s

9. If you are wearing Speedo’s, so be it. But do NOT walk past me and stop. Because when I am sitting, my eye level is not your eye level. Not that eye anyway.

10. If you have a beach body, good for you. I have two children and a love of cake.

Human in train(ing)

I’m on a train. I’ve counted 58 people in my immediate vision and 56 of us are on a device. One is reading a book. (I like this retro human) and one is staring into space (which is a little unnerving)

Half of the people on devices have headphones on or earbuds in.

The sky is blue. The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful Spring day, one of the best we’ve had. Maybe someone will look up and notice it. Maybe they’ll capture it through a Snapchat filter. Then they can post it and their friends can all wonder if it’s real.

Here’s something new. Two people just got on and they know each other. They are talking, actually having a conversation and the 27 people with headphones or ear buds in can’t hear them. They are all busy having conversations on line – or in their head

Interestingly I forgot to have a conversation with my family this morning about the fact that I am getting the train to work. They will be confused when they see my car still parked on the street. It’s a little strange that those three beautiful souls don’t know where I am, yet the good people at Metro Trains, Apple, FB, Instagram and Snapchat know exactly where to find me.

If this is the moment – if the aliens are watching us now, they will believe us all to be robots, except the two noisy ones, they will require closer scrutiny.

Crazy crazy world.

One Hit Wonder

The first ever (and only) song I have ever written. As with most classics, this came from a place of great pain.

(To the tune of Jingle Bells)

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

A holiday that’s cheap

Where everybody drinks and smokes

And nobody can sleep

Hey

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

Where everything is tiny

I much prefer a holiday

Where I’m not so whingy-whiny

Setting up the van

In the never ending rain

Why didn’t I remember

That this was such a pain

Communal toilet blocks

Laundry, kitchen too

Where you can live on top of your neighbour

And they live on top of you.

Oh

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

Life in a red camp chair

Playing board games and eating cheese

Champagne in plasticware

Hey

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

The mossies won’t be missed

I’ve drunk so much, the ones that bite me

All end up very pissed

Dashing to the toilet

Over stoney, sandy paths

5 loos for 50 people

You can do the maths

Packing up the van

Stressful but of course

I only hope this doesn’t end

With papers for divorce

Oh

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

Its like living in a box

My hair’s undone, my make up’s off And I’m wearing thongs with socks

Hey

Car-a-vans. Car-a-vans

Everyone should try it

Then you will appreciate

Your next stay at the Hyatt.

365 Days a Year

After the birth of my second child, life was a little harder than I imagined it would ever be. My four year old, who was later to be diagnosed with Aspergers was very VERY challenging. Kindergarten was a disaster and school was about to become a bigger disaster. Home schooling became our only option for a while.

All of a sudden I was no longer managing a multi million dollar 50 storey CBD building. I quit my career and spent my days teaching Golden Words, long and short vowels and using maltesers to teach addition. All the while caring for a beautiful baby girl.

My husband’s career was able to take off as me being at home allowed him to work longer hours and travel more with his job. But my job was the toughest job in the world. I thought this because I cried everyday and my husband didn’t.

But it turns out I cried everyday because I had post-natel depression. Not my daughters fault for being born, not my sons fault for having Aspergers and not my fault for anything I may have been doing wrong at the time. It was just a chemical thing that was hard to overcome due to rising anxiety.

Depression is not sadness. It’s despair, despondency and hopelessness. In my case I became distant and vague. But with the help of family, friends and an awesome Dr, I was lucky enough to get through it.

RU OK Day has been a phenomenal success since it’s inception in 2009

Like all great movements it’s genius is in its simplicity. Hell, the clever organisers even managed to reduce the whole thing down to just four letters.

The truth is that depression and mental health issues can be complex, non discriminating and silent killers, It’s a sad reality that the sufferers often don’t even know that they have it. Or if they do know, they don’t know what to do about it.

Statistically, according to Lifeline, Australia has approx 3000 suicide deaths per year which averages 8 per day. And for every suicide there are up to 30 attempts. On average 75% of these are males. Age groups most at risk are the 18-25, 40-45 and believe it or not over 85.

I wouldn’t be a kid in 2018 for quids. I look around and see high achievers putting pressure on themselves to always be at the top of their game. I see girls and boys measuring their worth by the number of followers they have. I see kids who can’t be alone in a quiet room because their life is so filled with noise that silence unnerves them. I see kids who live in a gaming world that is not reality but it is THEIR reality. And I see kids who just need to be kids but society won’t let them.

I also wouldn’t be a man if you paid me (even if you paid me a man’s salary – BOOM!) We are getting better at “allowing” them to express their feelings but we are a LONG way from equality on that score.

I’m not a kid and I’m not a man but I’m also not immune to depression.

None of us are.

This R U OK Day, my pledge is to check in with people on the other 364 days of the year because it’s ok to not be ok.

Can You Feel The Beat?

I read a post during the week that apparently there are some people out there that don’t ever feel a physical reaction to music. Is this even true???

Music can give me chills, make me smile, make me cry, send me into a complete trance. It can transport me – not always, but sometimes it resonates so much it’s overwhelming.

I’m a big fan of lists, so I crunched this one out. I didn’t try to get to 10, I stopped when there were no more obvious ones coming to mind.

So, in no particular order here is my top 8 list of songs that give me chills. Sometimes I reach for them – sometimes I avoid them. This week on the way home from work I cried a river listening to the second one.

Which songs move you?

Lightning Crashes – Live

Fix you – Coldplay

Romeo and Juliet – Dire Straights

Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen

Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton

Insatiable- Darren Hayes

All I want is you – U2

Make you feel my love – Adele

Just say the word

Words I hate ……

MOIST

The KING of awkward words. Rated the world’s number one most hated word in the English language (read this somewhere – source unknown) it can conjure up all sorts of images. I can’t tell you why but for me they are all sexual! THIS is the elephant in the room. This is why we all find it uncomfortable.

It is absolutely necessary when it comes to describing cake but should never ever be used otherwise. Ewwwww!!!

PANTIES

I don’t know why but it just sounds naughty.

Panties ✖️

Undies ✔️

SUPPLE

Always makes me think of breasts. I have never used it and can imagine no context in which I would.

TRUMP

vb. To outrank or defeat.

Even before that turkey Donald had the world stage, it was stupid word. Stupid word. Stupid man. Can’t stand the sound of either of them.

OINTMENT

This is one of those two syllable words where I HAVE to pronounce each syllable precisely.

It’s oint ment. Emphasis on both “t”s. OinT menT.

Silly word

PIMPLE

Now that I’ve typed this word I’ve probably triggered some internet algorithm and will start to see those disgusting medical popping procedure videos on my fb feed.

You will notice that I’ve listed the word but I can’t even bring myself to use it in a sentence.

PEEPS

Dear God, please help me to stay focussed long enough to get through the whole word without having to shorten – People

ERECTION,

PENETRATION AND MASTICATE

Look, it’s not that I don’t like these words as such. It’s just that any time I need to use them I get distracted. At work I do need to use the word erection when speaking about walls, signs etc, and often the word penetration comes up when dealing with building leaks and unsealed holes in the roof.

I am simply NOT mature enough to be allowed to use these words.

And I can’t even go near masticate. It’s chewing okay?